The Sad Truth of Loving Too Much

Loving and being loved back is the most amazing yet gut wrenching feeling you will ever feel. It is painfully awesome and wonderfully sad at the same time. It’s like one moment you’re on cloud 9 then suddenly you find yourself sliding unwillingly down to hell hole. The roller coaster change of emotion makes us crave for it more. Being in love is like an addiction- you just can’t help yourself. Love being addictive is why most of the time we tend to love so hard to the point where we are getting crushed with the intensity of the love we are giving. We do not notice it at the beginning because it starts with a small harmless hole in our being until it gets bigger and bigger and we can no longer handle the emptiness the hole created, like a black hole in space that sucks everything around its circle- including itself and that is all just because we loved too hard.

One might say there is nothing wrong with giving love. Yes, you are correct, but giving too much? That is a different story. My doctor once told me too much of everything is bad and unhealthy. Even too much water can cause coma.

You might think it is harmless to pour your heart out in loving someone but you will see the implications later. You see, when you love so hard you will unconsciously start giving pieces of yourself  to your partner because we want them to be happy,we want them to feel contented and satisfied with our love but it is in human being’s nature to want something more than what we already have and maybe that same feeling enabled us to evolve and that is why humans are on top of the pyramid. We seem to always want more and every time our partner is looking for more we tend to give what they want even if we do not have it or we can no longer give it.

We give everything to them and leave nothing for ourselves and when the time comes that both of you decided to go your separate ways you are left with broken and lost pieces of yourself that they took when they left and you can no longer get it back nor demand them to hand it over to you. The pieces they took makes it difficult for you to seal the hole in your being. Where are you going to get the missing pieces? How? For how long are you going to rebuild it?

Stemming from giving them everything is letting them be too dependent on us. They will get use to you doing everything you can to give them whatever they want, the next thing you’ll know you’re bombarded with demands from your partner and maybe you’re not able to give it to them and you will be on each other’s throat that will leave you crying for an hour or maybe for a day because of the words thrown at you. And it hurts, it’s the kind of pain that cannot be suppressed no matter how hard you try to hide it or convince yourself that everything is okay. It will always resurface and each time it comes back it gets worse and worse. It will be a cycle, like a hurricane coming your way getting ready to destroy you. But because we love them too much even if it’s destroying us we can’t let go. We love with hands held tight in our back, eyes closed and mouths shut like a criminal pleaded guilty. We are afraid to let go because we have invested too much. Too much time, effort, money and too much of our lives. We find it impossible to break away on the chain we have put ourselves into.

And, the saddest truth of loving someone too much is the possibility that they don’t feel exactly the same. They probably love you more, love you less, or worse- they don’t love you at all.

Sunday Afternoon

Sunday breeze. Sunday coffee. Sunday sunlight.

There is something about Sundays that makes it different from the rest of the days. It seems like every Sunday is a beautiful day. Sun is almost always up and shining smiling at you saying there’s a great day ahead! Maybe God has made this a little extra special because He wants us to prepare for the long week that we’re going to face or the tiring week that have passed. I’d like to think of Sunday as our reward day. The day where we can just relax, drink your coffee and be lost with the words of your favorite book.

You Can Never Miss Someone Into Coming Back.

I don’t know what else to feel or what more to feel.
On nights when sleep seems to escape me, my thoughts are filled with your smile. I wander on the streets that we used to walk when our bellies are full of delights we call sweets. Ice cream, coffee, nachos and the food that our mouth starved for. I wander on those streets alone and remembering the stories we tell each other. I walk on gravel who have heard our promises that we will soon come back to the same pavement where our feet marched in unison because our hearts follow each other’s rhythm. I wonder if you ever think of me. I wonder if it means anything to you. Yes, my heart still pounds everyday but it doesn’t beat the same way as it did when it beats for you.

I longed for you. Not just your presence, not the hugs nor the kisses but I longed for you. The you that I talk to everyday about my worries, my joys, my thoughts that I share with no one else, my regrets and desires. When I opened myself I opened it wide enough that I never even thought possible. I know, before you met me my life is already an open book but it was not as open as you think it is. Like an author,I only choose what to tell to the reader. But with you, you have opened chapters in my life that I kept hidden for a long time. You didn’t just open a chapter, in fact, you created a new one for yourself. Now I am stuck at this page not knowing how to end it or will it ever end. It seems like end is not a word known in my vocabulary for even if your heart have withered the love you once had for me, mine keeps on blossoming every new day that the sun shines and kisses me on my lips.

I longed for you. I longed for you my princess.
As long as the light reaches our horizon as so for my love.
Let the clock tick, let the time move and let it be known that like these two, my love will also be endless.
My heart will always be yours and none of the gods above nor the demons below can take it away from you.

Stupid as I may seem but who’s not when you’re in love?

Way back into love

Since you’ve passed

I can’t sing
nor want to listen
to your favorite song

It takes me back
to the past
I no longer want to see

It sets me backwards.
I linger,
in sadness i’m drowned..
Nostalgia…

Your smile
they’re never fading
Your eyes
always shining

I love you
and I will love you
forever and always…

 

 

I wrote this poem a year after my mother passed. Back then I don’t want to hear the song nor sing it. It was the last song she sung before her body weakened–Way Back into Love by Hugh Grant. She told me it was her favorite song. She would play that song right before she sleeps and it is on repeat until her battery dies.

My momma is not tech savvy. In fact, she had just learned how to use the music player on her phone the year that she died. She likes listening to music, my love for music was influenced by her. As a kid we used to sing the “oldies song” as they often call it. It’s a song from the 70’s and 80’s. Every morning she would tell me to put her 70’s or 80’s disc in our music player and she would sing and dance along with the song while cleaning our house and i’d join her eventually. Our favorite was My Sharona by The Knacks and Like a Virgin by Madonna. Our hips sway, voices on top of our lungs and sweatin’ everything out! And that is why mornings became my favorite.

When we lost her we only listened to those songs once–when poppa played it on our music player the night momma was brought home for her funeral. We sat on the floor and listened to the songs momma used to play.

Now, every time I sing in Karaoke bars that song is always on my list. Remembering the days where momma and I was swaying our hips, voices on top of our lungs and sweatin’ it all out.

 

Still a Happy Mother’s Day Ma.

It’s been a long day.
longer than the normal day.
Time slowly ticked,
as I wait and wait
for Mother’s day to end.

It’s been five years,
since I last touched your face.
I can still remember
the creases in your forehead
But still you are beautiful.

I can still hear,
your heartbeat
your laugh
your voice.

But I can never again
kiss your cheeks,
hold your hands,
see you smile when I say
“Happy Mother’s Day Mama”

Flowers you used to receive
on this special day
are now the flowers we lay
beside your grave.

I love you
with every breath
and
with every heartbeat.

It never really goes away……..

I always know deep inside that you are my first true love. The kind of love that never really goes away. What we had was way beyond normal(First off, we’re both a she). You have given me wonderful memories that up until now puts a smile on my face. By far, you’re the only person that can send chills through my spine. With you I have felt an extraordinary kind of love. Emotions that I cannot fathom. Pure joy and pure love. Although we had a bumpy five year relationship, I am glad to say I never regret anything and that I loved and enjoyed everything. The fire in  my heart is still burning for you. But sad to say, yours was already put out a long time ago. I don’t know what I did wrong or what’s missing in me. I also don’t understand the reasons for your betrayal. It’s easier to accept if you have left me  because you no longer feel the same love you felt the first time we met but what you did and keep doing is unacceptable. I hate you but I hate myself more for still being in love with you and being okay if you will come back. I guess, the feeling never really goes away. It’s stupid I know. But how can I really move on if you have given me so much to hold on? How can I really forget if you left me with moments so unforgettable? How can I UN-love you if you have given me so much to love? How can I be fixed if you’re the only one who can heal me.

Imagine you and me

Have you been in love? Like really be IN LOVE? Have you felt that feeling? That different kind of rush? That extreme feeling you cannot fathom that runs through your veins. That moment when you are looking at each other and you just knew that they’re the one for you. Then suddenly you can feel this different kind of adrenaline. The rush, the gush, the burst of happiness, fear and excitement.

Well, I did. Once. And it’s a wonderful experience. An experience I would definitely go through again if life would offer me a throwback. It’s heaven on earth. But my love story is a queer one (as what others view it), you see it was an extraordinary love that existed between the same symbol, a Venus symbol. Yes, it is a different kind of love but nevertheless it is still love like any other love.

Technology indeed brings people closer to each other. In our case, it led me to somebody I never thought i’d fall in love with. It started when her sister, my bestfriend up until now, gave my number to her. It started as a friendly exchange of texts, we haven’t seen each other personally until fast forward to 3 months, we decided to meet physically. It was in a theater house when I first saw her. As my eye caught hers, I knew right that very moment that I can’t see myself loving nobody but her. I knew exactly what I want.

Being with her is enough to make me believe that true love does exist. IN EVERYONE. IN ANYONE. It chooses no one. It doesn’t matter whether you wear sneakers or high heels. If love hits you, it hits you. Nothing and no one can ever say that you are wrong when you are in love. 🙂